Holy cowpats Batman, what am I doing?
After not getting the last job I interviewed for, I found and applied for something else. Then, today, I saw another listing for a job that looks like it might be a promising fit for me, so I’ll have to get a cover letter together and tweak my resume for that one as well.
During the day the time seems to fly by so quickly. The baby is awake, the baby is napping. This week J has been gone, defending her thesis back in Wyoming. I’ve taken the opportunity to clear the furniture out of the living room and wash the carpets, which were pretty disgusting after a summer of people tracking dirt between the front door, the back door, and the garage. I also finished tearing down the last of the vegetable garden plants from this year. Little things like that. Next up perhaps is cleaning the scary looking bathrooms.
Yeah, that stuff needed to be done. And yeah, I should probably be working on my thesis instead. I am… slowly… But if I do get a job sometime soon I don’t know how I’m going to get any thesis work done at all.
I’m going to admit something here that makes me squirm: I. Am totally spoiled by my family.
My grandmother and my mom have given J and I a fair amount of money over the years, not because we necessarily needed it, and definitely not because either of us asked for help. They just have, and it’s been both a blessing and a frustration to me. That money is basically what allowed me to replace my old car when it started to die two years ago. It’s helped fund some past travel, and it has helped pay vet bills. We could have managed without it, but sometimes managing without would have been difficult.
It’s embarrassing and sometimes I feel like I’m that kid, you know? — The 30-something child who lives in her parents’ basement. I don’t actually live with my parents. But sometimes it seems like I might as well be.
Right now both my mom and my grandmother are offering to support my little family while I finish my thesis. They say they’ll give us money to help with the bills or to help cover putting James in daycare. It’d give me more time to work, they say, and it would mean I’m not also trying to hold down a job while finishing my masters degree.
Of course this is tempting. Maybe the most tempting offer I’ve ever had. But I don’t think I can take it. Not that way.
This is not to say that I won’t take the money at all… I know how this process goes with my family. My mom and grandma will insist. Each of them will tell me, “I’d rather give this money to you with a warm hand than a cold one.” And I’ll take it. Because it’s hard to come up with a reason not to, in the end.
But I continue to apply for jobs, even knowing it will be hard to balance work and family and housework and thesis. I may be making a huge mistake, doing this, but I’m not willing to put my life on hold because of the masters degree anymore. I haven’t given up on finishing, not yet… But for the first time in my adult life, I can really picture myself failing to succeed…