I can’t concentrate today. I have a hard time concentrating plenty of other days too, but this is different.
I get that life isn’t fair. I get that there isn’t some guy standing around with a pencil and clipboard saying, “Oh, you’ve already had to deal with some bad shit this year? Yes, okay… Well, looks like you’ve met your quota for now. Enjoy the rest of 2014.” I get that. There’s no guy.
The worst thing is the waiting, I think. I don’t really have the right to claim what the worst thing is, since it’s not my cancer diagnosis. But it’s awful, sitting in a city seven hours away from your immediate family and getting all the news via texting and Skype. I know I couldn’t do anything more if I was out there. I know I need to keep applying for jobs if we want to be able to pay rent on our current place after the new year. I know I have to finish that thesis while I still can. I know the house is a wreck.
But I can’t effing concentrate.
My sister, Ann, had another doctor appointment today, this time just to discuss the results of yesterday’s CT Scan. We already knew it showed that she does not have sarcoidosis. That the most likely diagnosis is lymphoma. And that’s pretty much where we are now — cancer. There was a small chance, we thought yesterday, that she might have some weird infection, but the meeting with the doctor today eliminated that. The mass in the frontal part of her chest is, as Ann put it, “very large. So there is no way it is an infection ’cause I would be in the hospital ICU if it was.”
She has a lung biopsy scheduled for tomorrow, and maybe we’ll know what exactly we are facing by the end of the week.