It’s almost October. Little Man is 16 months old now. Still crawling. Said his first word the other day. Climbs chairs and stairs like a mountaineer.
My sister is still healthy after her chemo and radiation, and her hair is growing back in. It is wavy and brown and she can’t wait until it gets a little longer so she can go back to blonde again. My mother-in-law is healthier, and I should probably make it a habit to call her more frequently.
It has been seven and a half months since Ziggy died. I’m not walking around our area trails weeping quietly behind sunglasses anymore, but of course I miss her. At the six-month mark I put Little Man in his backpack and hiked out to the knob with that one ponderosa tree where her ashes are buried. I never know what to feel when I go out there. I usually talk to her for a few minutes, and feel thankful nobody can hear me apart from my toddler. I always cry when I reach that tree, but mostly these days, I am just happy to have had her in my life.
J and I started couples’ counseling. We have been to two sessions so far, and I’m glad I insisted we go. We still have a lot to work out; she thinks things are fine, for the most part, and says I am wonderful and supportive. I don’t think things are fine, but I am hopeful that things are improving.
The thesis is still being kicked around but it is, perhaps, only a few good whacks from a draft that my committee will accept. I don’t feel the need to blog about it anymore. It was a difficult part of my life — still is, to some extent — but I no longer see my entire future career hanging from this one responsibility.
I am starting a new job soon. It doesn’t pay very well and it is not permanent, but it is professional work, and I can come home every evening to be with my family. I’m sad to be leaving the ranks of stay-at-home parents, because actually, I loved being one. And I feel very mixed up about leaving my little boy at daycare, even though I like the place we have chosen. But this is something I need to do, for many reasons, and I am thankful after such a long job hunt to have landed this position.
I have been gone from WordPress for so long that it doesn’t seem like there is much point in ending this blog officially, but I like tidy endings. It is time say goodbye here, and if they are still reading, I want to thank all the other bloggers who have been so great during this little side project of mine. I have enjoyed reading your posts about pregnancy, parenthood, grad school, transgender issues, and life — and I appreciate all the supportive comments I received during some really difficult times. Wishing you all the best,