I didn’t think I’d come back to this blog. I don’t have time for it, for one thing, and for another, I was tired of the way my life was feeling like a never-ending stream of bad news and bad moods. I didn’t want to read my blog anymore, much less write it.
I have an audio recorder that I bought — gosh, over a year ago now. I use it to blow off steam when I get the urge to blog, which is to say, when I really really need to work something out but I can’t, for whatever reason, just call somebody up to talk about it. I love my recorder; it serves its purpose very well, and if it seems a bit crazy to be talking out loud to myself to feel better, so be it. Mostly I record myself when I am driving in my car. My new job has a 45-minute commute, so I spend a lot of time driving these days.
Why am I back, then?
Mm, lots of reasons. Mostly it just seems like the right time to blog again.
So here I am at the beginning of 2016. It’s 8:30 at night on a Sunday, and Little Man is upstairs asleep in his room. Apart from him, it’s just me and the mice in this place (yes, we have a mouse problem this winter).
J started moving things out of our townhouse a week ago. There have been a lot of events between where this blog left off last and the day J’s friend, S, helped move J’s desk and dresser into a truck. I may write about those events …some day.
For right now I will say that J and I got a lot out of our time in couples’ counseling. J started to communicate with me more, and she acknowledged that she has been putting the majority of her emotional energy into connections outside our marriage and our family. She admitted that she has been really unhappy with our life together over the past year-plus. The admission was a relief, because I had been feeling lonely, confused, and frustrated. We both admitted, over multiple weeks and with increasing certainty, that we want different things out of life. That didn’t use to be true, but it is true now.
To be honest, I’ve been considering a break-up for a long time. The relief of actually making that decision may be premature, but I am taking it as a sign that we are doing the right thing. Since we made the decision, both of us have been getting along better. I sometimes look at J and see all the cracks in her personality — She doesn’t like herself as much as she used to, and it makes me sad to see my once so-strong friend faltering. But she seems happier lately, and I hope that she is on her way to finding peace with her emotions, and with her decisions. I am sad at the direction life has taken, but I don’t regret anything. Not the breakup, not the ten years we were together. I am looking forward to the future and even though J may not be my partner anymore, I hope we will continue to be good friends as well as co-parents.
Here begins a new chapter…