And I’ve been feeling shaky these past few days. I’m tired, feeling guilty about all the things on my to-do list, and I’ve been spending a lot of time by myself shuttling small things from our old rental unit to the new one. I like the new place, but I’ve been feeling predominantly sad about what moving here means. I don’t want the relationship as it existed last year back. I want the relationship as it existed during the first eight years back. Can’t have that, though.
The other thing I’ve been dealing with is our slumlord property manager from the old rental. She is widely acknowledged to be a shitty manager, and I don’t want to get into the details. The hard part really is not dealing with her, but dealing with her while simultaneously having a hard time with J. It’s funny, because just recently I was feeling good about where J and I stood. And yet. J has said she would do certain things to help with the move-out, but has been slow, and even obstructive now, all because she was annoyed at me for my anxiousness about getting things done. Again, I don’t really have it in me to go into the details. I know it makes for boring reading (“things suck here and I don’t wanna talk about it”), but, well. J often gets annoyed at me when I am focused on my to-do lists, but I never expected her to go out of her way to prevent me from getting something done. It was so cold, so petty, so unexpected. And it came today, on a morning when I had come over for breakfast (we had made plans a couple days before) and found that J wasn’t expecting me at all. She didn’t answer the door for several rings, and she wasn’t answering her phone either. It was only when she wandered by a window with kiddo that she saw me. They had already eaten. I forget things too, but it was hard to swallow back my feelings, especially after a solitary night at the new apartment. I felt so unimportant to her. The other day I had gone out of my way to drive to her workplace and give her car a jumpstart. I thought — and think, maybe too much — about all the ways I have made the effort in our relationship over the years, how I continue to make the effort. About how that doesn’t seem to matter.
I love J, and I think, hope, that we will be friends going forward, but she was pretty shitty today. I worry about her spitefulness this morning, wonder if her friend S is influencing her attitude. I don’t want to make a bogeyman out of S, who is nice enough to me when we meet (S fixed me coffee this morning, actually). But S has recently gone through a very angry separation with her spouse (I know the spouse, and know quite a lot about that history) and is bitter. The other weekend when J came to cosign the lease on my new apartment, she told me that S had encouraged her to show up 15 minutes late just because “Fuck her.” J was laughing when she told me what S had said, because it was ridiculous and petty and why would J do that? S doesn’t have anything against me personally, but I represent The Ex, her ex. And S can be spiteful. And now, after today, I wonder if J is letting just a little bit of S wear off on her. It would be easy to hate S right now. And our slumlord property manager. And J. But I can’t. I can’t do that if I want to move on from this crappy weekend in an emotionally healthy way.
So. I called my sister, crying, on my drive back home from seeing J this morning, because my sis is one of the rocks in my life, one small piece of the emotional foundation that keeps me from falling apart. We talked, and later she sent me a Starbucks email card. It didn’t fix the day, but it made me feel a little better.