In the past months J has said to me once or twice that she “wishes I could find inner peace.” The sentiment, coming from her, always pissed me off a little.
I had a conversation on Facebook with J a day or two after my last post. I am not including the text of it here, in part to respect J’s privacy, and in part because, seriously, it is nothing new. But there was something about the conversation that changed things for me. I said all the things I have been wanting to say to J. About her failings as a partner. About how she didn’t respect me and she still isn’t very nice. I told her to go fuck herself too (though I said it while apologizing for saying it).
And J listened to me. She didn’t dismiss my words. Maybe what I really wanted was just to have her hear me out.
After the conversation was over I felt lighter. I’ve been feeling pretty good about life ever since that moment. Isn’t that strange? 4 months in, and suddenly I’m not hurting so badly anymore. I’m not sure I can trust this change, but I am so thankful for it.