The last 72 hours

I am not feeling much of anything as I write. Other than the normal hum of tiredness in the back of my brain, and the quiet but persistent conviction that I should be brushing my teeth and going to bed instead of sitting at the computer, eating mediocre, microwaved shrimp fried rice and drinking o.j. straight out of the carton as I noodle around on my blog, I am doing fine.

Earlier this evening I read a book in bed while my kiddo settled in to sleep for the night. Settling for him means a long period of log-rolls, flopping around, and leaning against me for a moment or two before scooting away again. I’ve started this thing lately where I say, “Mamma” (pointing to me), “loves,” (hugging myself in an exaggerated fashion), “Little Guy” (pointing to Little Guy). He thinks it’s a great game, and has started to do exaggerated self-hugs when I do them.  When I am not focused on bedtime as simply laying down on the mattress and trying to sleep, it’s all very sweet and fun and entertaining. (Except when he kicks me in the head during his log-rolls. But we will forget that for the moment.)

Even earlier during the waning hours of the afternoon (or the early-ish hours of the evening) the toddler and I took a short wander through one of our local parks, and spent a good portion of the time standing by a child-sized water fountain, pushing the button that makes the water spout up. This is obviously a way better toy than the other playground equipment. The second best piece of equipment is the slide — No, not the slide. The stairs to the slide. The slide itself is boring; stairs are infinitely challenging and fun. (So says my kid.)

Back before that, during the large stretch of time that is called “work time” (a.k.a. most of my waking hours …But we will forget that for the moment), the day did not suck as much as last Friday. It was actually fun in places, and the parts that sucked a little will suck a little less tomorrow. Hopefully by the end of this week I will be “caught up” (hahahaha) with job tasks again. Well, really, I should at least be caught up enough soon that my boss won’t look at me disapprovingly while I picture my job recommendation disappearing. (God, I hope so. I need the job recommendation.)

This morning I talked to J on the phone during my drive in to work. I had called her the previous day to chat while waiting for my plane to board, and she had cut me off suddenly, saying that she was home (at S’s) and couldn’t talk. Later she texted me to say that she wished she had pulled over to the side of the road to talk (she had been driving) so that we would have had more time on the phone. This morning I asked her, “Do you avoid talking to me at S’s place because you don’t want S to see that you still interact with me?” At first she wouldn’t answer. Then the answer was yes, but “only for a while.” I told her that I wasn’t going to reach out anymore. No invites to get together, no conversations for the sake of having conversations — apart from the basic level of interaction needed to co-parent a kid together. “I’m here if you want me in your life again,” I said. “I will always (What is always? Until that day sometime in the future when you mean nothing to me anymore and the past is just a comfortable memory? Until I know that the person you are in a relationship with isn’t going to manipulate you into interacting with fewer and fewer people, like she did with her ex?) welcome you as a hiking buddy. But you are going to have to be the one to reach out — I won’t anymore.” I did tell her (and she agreed) that we should make plans to do something together for little guy’s birthdays, because the last thing I want is him feeling like every milestone or award comes with the burden of splitting the celebration between two parents who don’t get along. (Then I called my sister and we agreed that J is, unfortunately, acting more and more like an asshole. More and more like S?)

This past weekend I was in Spokane, participating in Bloomsday with my immediate family (my parents have been doing this for 20+ years now). We had a lot of fun. I can’t share the best pictures or video because it would make this blog way less anonymous, but here are some mediocre pictures. Actually I quite like the one with the ‘Where’s Waldo?’ team:

 

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