More of the same. And not.

Would I take you back again?

Why am I even thinking about this now?

We had a nice morning together. I guess that’s why. You weren’t awful to me in the way you have been awful over the past few months. It was a change from the last couple years as well. You weren’t shutting me out. You weren’t acting depressed. You weren’t dismissing my opinions.

You weren’t leaving me to take care of all the dishes and household tasks. Because I have my own place now, and my own dishes. You have yours.

You weren’t telling me that you didn’t feel attracted to me anymore because I had a baby. We don’t interact like that now. I in turn was not having to try to find a way to embrace the idea of sex with somebody whose body more and more resembles a woman’s body. This was a relief to me, even though I miss the feeling of being close to you.

Would I take you back again? I’m not even sure what that means when I say it.

If you could treat me with kindness, respect my needs as well as your own, and share adventures with me, I would probably take you back as a partner. But I know, despite the nice morning, that I could not rely on you to respect my needs or my opinions as well as your own. I know that with you I can’t rely on kindness, although sometimes you give me reason to hope you are getting better at that. You at least have been able to recognize and acknowledge the times you have been unkind.

I would have stayed with you after the death of our sex life, and I could have been content and confident in my decision.

But I wouldn’t take you back now, because there is too much I don’t trust. I am continuing to self-enforce my decision to refrain from asking you to do things with me as a friend, because I have been hurt too many times. But I’m glad you asked to meet up with me today. And I’m glad you listened to some of my mundane concerns about child visitation schedules without shutting down or shutting me down.

I would take you back as a friend, if you offered friendship. You did today. But tomorrow? It’s really too early to decide that.

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