It’s true: It’s 11:45p right now, and I should definitely be getting to bed soon.
I’ve been planning for the long weekend, and planning for the coming months. This weekend is a concern because I won’t have the toddler (though J and I will be celebrating his 2nd birthday tomorrow afternoon when I get off work). I’m exhausted when I have little guy, but I really enjoy my time with him, and I don’t want to feel depressed about this upcoming weekend like I was the last couple weekends when I was by myself.
Yeah, I’m working. I said no to the backpacking trip I was invited on (see previous post). I need to work, so I’m not going to regret that decision. But I also know that I am going to be in an emotionally fragile place this weekend, since there will be a lot of alone time. I’m going to, therefore, try to do something social each day. Or at least a couple days.
On Saturday I will go out to the community garden for a little while. Socially it may be a flop since it’s a morning meetup and I have to leave early for work (I’m helping to keep a visitor center open whilst doing my normal job duties). But you know. It’s getting out. And maybe there will be another early bird or two.
I put myself ‘out there’ a little by posting on of the parent groups I’m in (the divorced/single parent group) to see if anybody wanted to do a craft night at my place. No interest, but it was shortish notice, and it’s one of the big travel weekends of the year. I felt a little sad and embarrassed at the lack of response, but you know what — I’m tired of sitting at home. I need to keep looking for ways to not do that.
Not sure what else I will fill the weekend (evenings) with. Maybe I will put myself out in some other way and also get embarrassed by the lack of response. Good. I need to embrace the awkwardness. Maybe the local running group has a morning jog? I am intimidated by them a little. Sometimes the group is not too fast, but the last time I went out with them it ended up being just two guys, and they were insanely hard to keep up with. I managed somewhat on flat ground, but they soon turned onto an uphill road, and I had to accept that I was going to be running on my own. I am in worse shape now than I was then. So.
One evening I think I will hike out to see Ziggy’s grave. I didn’t go back at the one year anniversary of her death because it is a fairly large time commitment and I don’t have time. But I could do it in an evening if I had a headlamp for the hike back. And I want to go out again.
The one thing I cannot do is let myself get run over by negative feelings this weekend. If I have to deal with some difficult emotions, okay, but I don’t want the weekend to be defined by a depressed mindset.