I’ve lost sight of that moonlit peace I felt the other night. I’m not too surprised; the middle of the night is its own segment of existence and doesn’t associate very closely with daytime reality.
I’m sad about J right now. Not in that ‘I can’t believe she gave up on us,’ sense, though some of that is still there, hanging around in the air like dust.
Right now I am sad because my in-laws are in town and my FIL (J’s stepdad) seems to be rejecting J because she is transgender. He’s a pastor and it’s unlikely that he will change his views. J’s mom seems more supportive but there’s a lot of complicated stuff going on, and nobody is talking about any of it. MIL and FIL are staying at my place and have been seeing J during the day. I know a lot of people would say it’s not my business anymore to worry about J. And yes, I don’t hold the same role in J’s life anymore and I understand what that means. But as somebody who has known J for a decade, I’m worried about her. She is and has been emotionally shaky for a while, and of all times, she could really use the support of a parent right now. Or some long-term connection. Not me, probably, and that’s fine. But I wish J’s mom would see that her kid needs her right now. I wish J’s stepdad could see how much hurt is caused by family rejection, and I wish he would rethink his choice to value an interpretation of a book over an actual person.
If my MIL is up before my FIL tomorrow, I may broadly hint to her that this is a time when J probably needs extra emotional support from a parent. I’m going to have to be careful in what I say because this is close to crossing the line of getting in other peoples’ business. But Jesus. What a fucking mess.
In other news, I set up an OKCupid profile this weekend. I have talked to one person (who I am absolutely not interested in dating) about through-hiking, and it was kinda cool to have a conversation that didn’t have undertones of further expectations. I saw a few profiles of other people who looked interesting, but didn’t message anybody else. The site and the concept of dating are still kinda frightening to me.