This is the last weekend without Little Guy around that I will have for some time. Due to wonky scheduling I have had the last four (five?) weekends child-free (though during J’s field work season I have custody all the time during the work week, so it’s not like I never see my kid). Having time to myself has been very helpful in allowing me to get things done, and it has been a relief to be able to do things like clean out the fridge and do food prep for the coming week without the distraction of a toddler. Still, I’m looking forward to having him on the weekends again for a while. I fit a lot of activities into our weekday evenings (swimming, the occasional hike, working at the community garden) but when you look at the numbers, I only have about three hours with him on a given day beyond the morning scramble to reach daycare.
I’m feeling at peace again this weekend. It’s a state of mind that comes and goes, I realize, but I think I am more frequently content than I was a few months ago.
J is more friendly as of late and we talk more easily now. Her current partner, S, does not want her to interact with me apart from the most basic parenting-related interactions. J is trying to decide how she wants to deal with that situation, and while S’s attitude disgusts me (especially considering her past with both me and J), I’ve told J she needs to figure out that situation before we hang out. Whether J and I ever do spend time together as friends again is still a big question mark, but I don’t have any expectations there anymore. Historically J and I always got along well, and I still care about her and would like to be friends. But … How do I put it? I’m tired of her in a lot of ways, too, and the thought of not being friends is not quite such a sad thing as it once was. When I think about my past relationship with J I miss our early days together and I miss my hiking buddy, but the early days are irretrievably gone. I don’t, now or ever again, want to be in a relationship where I compromise on so many things for a partner and get nothing in return. I know relationships inevitably involve compromise, and that’s not such a bad thing. For right now though, I want nothing to do with it….
And guess what? I don’t have to! I’m my own person now. I can care for J but I don’t have to suppress my interests and goals anymore, for her or for anybody.