Pausing for a moment in my day to regroup. I’m in the midst of the first cold of the fall season and am sitting at home with tissues littered around my computer desk.
Emotionally I’m doing okay. The divorce paperwork came in the mail this past weekend, and I missed it initially because I was camping overnight in the mountains with Little Man. Incidentally, I climbed somewhere between 2000 – 2500 feet in elevation up a trail Sunday, covering maybe 7 or 8 miles while carrying ~40lbs of toddler, snacks, water, etc. on my back. I was ridiculously sore for the next two days, but it was a good workout, and a nice location to place myself on the day the letter was being delivered.
Announced the divorce yesterday on FB, because there were a number of people I used to know better than I do now who were not aware of the change, and I wanted to get the information shared once and for all. Yesterday evening I met up with J at his day care’s Back to School Night Potluck. The event was okay. There’s a wall between J and I now that is made up of some weird combination of anger, goodwill, and exhaustion. I feel it, anyway. Midway through the potluck J said, “I pictured getting the paperwork as the end of the story, but it’s not. The interactions keep on going.”
I didn’t know how to respond to that. We are raising a kid together… I didn’t say that, though. J’s emotional short-sightedness over the past couple years has been epic, but I’m tired of arguments. She is excited about the new chapter in her life, and while her choices to ditch a best friend, a family, and a decade of shared memories at the first test of commitment still anger me (she admits that she never compromised for me, while the reverse often was true)…. I can’t say I would be happier if she was miserable. It’s a parting of ways, is all. And given her inability to compromise, I do feel some relief, though I would not say I am as excited as she is. If I had to pick an adjective to describe myself at this moment, I would say I am feeling thoughtful.
This cold, today, truly has me beat. It’s chilly and grey outside, truly autumn weather, and I have turned the heat up in my apartment. I’ll be going to pick Little Man up from day care in a few minutes. I hate colds. Hate the raspy throat, the cough, the stuffed nose and stinging face from contact with too many tissues. But it feels cozy in my apartment. Cozy and cheerful.
Good enough for the moment.